Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
