New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
