Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!