i permit you to call me
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
