I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
