It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
operation have a gay friend backfired
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
