Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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