Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
