If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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