All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize