he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
