she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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