I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Randomize
