His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
