if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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