he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
