he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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