mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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