you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize