yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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