The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
