May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
