No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
