I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
