So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I booty called her while she was in labor.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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