My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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