mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Randomize
