Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
