Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
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