my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
