3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
