for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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