I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
