Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
