he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
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I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
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