what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
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Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
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Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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