Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
