I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
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