When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
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I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
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apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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