I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Randomize
