Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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