just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I can't put those talents on a resume
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
