Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
