U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
