It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
