I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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