There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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