I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My life is pants optional.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
