she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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