I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
