Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
