Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize
