That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
try to milk me bitch
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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